after months away, i’m here.
that doesn’t mean anything important, just a statement of fact. i went on a month long trip this summer, lost a couple friends along the way, walked away from a shop, decided to decompose my life to find what would be left in the ruins. 12 years since i got married, a few years after that i got divorced. fell in love again, but wasn’t ready for love so i sacrificed that in the name of independent thinking. a man of no wealth, no fame, only the remains of past experience and now even more experience. no clear thoughts to rely on, only the mind telling a story that sounds real enough to buy into. people, lots of people, not multitudes, just your regular accounts, that enter my life, make it sound momentous, and then fleeting. i found Buddhism more profound then my own words, my own western religion, nothing superior about that in fact. anyways, its a matter of choice what we believe and how we decide to live it out this life. i’m tattooing less then the first year i started, working side gigs, “construction”, and its the great metaphor of my own life. i would rather scrape by, then continue to work myself for an industry that shows no mercy to the ones not seeking fame. i have a facebook, most people find this blog from that resource, and its my great contradiction. i don’t want the social internet life, but we have moved into a time and place that allows only that, if you choose to stay relevant. i am barely relevant, and i thank the God that resides over all religions, but gracefully decides to remain silent when it comes to man’s interpretation of which one is the only true voice of the higher power. i’ve had two dogs, pugs, for 11 years. they live with me, and i’m thankful for that. when most have been too human and therefore moved on, the animals have maintained our companionship. i have worked my life the last couple years, with attempts at love, trials of the chase, finding my own tail to be quite boring after a few go rounds. your friends stay the course, pushing forward in hopes of becoming the hollow heroes of our past. it’s the human condition, become immortal through your trade and forever resembling something of importance. we have found ways to do it daily, checking our phones for update statuses, making sure people like what we post and say and photograph. no criticism, just an observation of our new reality. i find nature to be the most observant of who we are; accepting our bad habits, incorporating our negligence, being of willing nature to take the abuse with stride. we speak of our history, rarely learn from of it. who has the time to listen to nature when man speaks more loudly. i am a rambler with a rambler’s tongue, jumping from topic to topic, resembling my lack of focus in meditation. money, such a great power, even to those like me who detest it. how many times a day do i contemplate buying something in the name of fulfilling that daily emptiness. i buy things, resent the purchase, enjoy the satisfaction of ownership, feel guilty because of how it was made, and surrender to another day of commerce and “free” trade. i have successful friends, money makers, fame walkers, i cheer their success with conviction. but i know i will not find the same path, and i am thankful. the dirt road, the tattoo that barely happens, the painting to make rent, and the fear that follows days without income.